Parenting is a sacred and honorable duty. The Family: A Proclamation to the World states that parents have the sacred duty of rearing their children in love and righteousness. This includes guiding adolescents away from risky behaviors.
Three common risk behaviors parents worry about among their teens are sexual activity, delinquency, and substance use. Participating in these behaviors can lead to a number of poor outcomes in the later years. Unfortunately, the media have glamorized these behaviors so they are now considered normal during adolescence. The good news is that parents can counteract these negative messages.
According to research, the best way for parents to help decrease risky behaviors is to adopt an authoritative or actively involved parenting style. Authoritative parents aim for balance of the three L’s: love, limits, and latitude.
- Love your teenager.Show your teenage son you love him. Be affectionate. Hug your daughter,provide a shoulder to cry on, comfort her when she has had a tough day. When you need to correct your teen, do so in a loving manner. For example, if Dave brings a report card home with A’s and B’s and one D, express your joy in the A’s and B’s and patiently inquire about the D. Avoid lecturing and being coercive. Instead, discuss ways he can bring that D to a better grade and listen to his ideas. Support him as he follows through. Connect with your teen through acceptance. Rather than angrily rejecting Brandon’s desire to form a band, support his desire and go to his performances. Enjoy shared activities like a game of basketball with Ben or going to an ice cream shop with Susan. Let your teenager know you care for him and desire to be there anytime he needs you. Love is the foundation of authoritative parenting; allow it to guide your interactions.
- Set limits. Teenagers need appropriate boundaries. Use your teen’s temperament to figure out how best to set limits. Hart used this analogy:
“In that way, parenting is like riding a horse. For some children parents may need to hold the reins tighter. Other children may require less parental steering. And with some children, holding the reins too tightly may only lead to defiance. Knowing when to let up and when to tighten your grip takes a lot of creativity. . .”
Rather than set rules on the spot, agree upon rules with your teenager ahead of time and let them know clearly your expectations. Remember, the less rules the better. When these rules are broken, be firm. If Johnny comes home 30 minutes after his curfew, lovingly remind him of the rule and the punishment previously agreed on. Then, take the keys for a week. Limits provide boundaries and guidelines for your teenager when they are clear and consistent. Your teenager will learn to regulate herself with your help.
- Provide latitude. Teenagers are growing up fast. They are seeking independence and autonomy. You can foster this growth by providing choices. When you realize something needs to change because Lucy is spending too much time with friends and not enough time on homework, take her out to get a soda and tell her your concerns. Listen to what she has to say and find a balance. Allow her to make the decision while sticking to the rules that are already in place. Teenagers do best when given the chance to make decisions. When Joe suddenly wants to quit playing the tuba he’s been playing since he was eight and you want him to continue to develop his talent, find a creative solution. Advise him to wait a few months, and if he still feels the same then he can stop. These choices prepare your teen for when they do become adults. They also encourage them to reason through the decisions that they make. Above all else, love your teenager when they do make decisions you do not agree with.
Additionally, these ideas may also discourage risky behaviors:
- Encourage education. Explain and emphasize the importance of completing school. Encourage attendance and good grades, and talk about college. Attend school functions and get to know the teachers, classes, and homework assignments.
- Share your values.This can be done formally or informally. When John wanted to go on a walk with some friends, Shannon, his mother, cautioned him against doorbell ditching,explaining that this can be disruptive, especially to families with young children and older adults. Explain why you feel that substances are a danger. Describe how mind altering drugs can affect decision making. Emphasize the addictive nature and dangerous side effects of substances. Share with your teen how you feel about early sex and why. Emphasize the negative social aspects of engaging in teen sex and express the positives of waiting. Talk about what your own decision was and how this affected your teen years. Discuss that the popular beliefs and seemingly good things that arise out of teenage sex are false and explain they do not accurately depict what truly happens to teenagers when they engage in sexual intercourse. Sharing your own values warmly will encourage your teen to internalize these values. Formal and informal sharing is important as the teen continues to mature.
- Have regular family dinners. Teenagers need routines. Set aside a time each night for family dinner. Use the opportunity of good food to inquire into your teen’s life. Find out if anything is worrying them, things they are struggling with, what they enjoy, and how school is going. Use the time to discuss the importance of school, higher education, and your own values. Family dinners ensure you are home with your teen at the right time. Talking with them while preparing dinner will open communication boundaries because of the informality. Take advantage of your teenager being home by encouraging good behavior and expressing how proud you are of them. Be aware of their activities, friends, and life in general. Your teen wants to know you’re aware of what’s going on in his life. Female teens need the emotional support you can provide through routines, affection, and identifying with what’s happening in terms of friends and school. Male teens also need affection and identification and to have their parents home at key times, like after school, social events, and dates. Regularly talk with your teen about sex. As a parent, you can either be demeaning or inviting in your discussions. A parent that’s demeaning, when asked questions about sex, will respond with accusations and lectures. An inviting parent when asked questions, will respond with honesty, warmth, and engage in a two-way discussion. Be open and share your own personal values about sexual activity. At the same time, use the discussions to monitor your teen’s activities. Ask questions and stay tuned to who your teen is hanging out with, where they’re going, and what your expectations are when they leave the house. Discuss the negative social consequences of having sex. This includes a bad reputation and that people will know. Help your teen know that engaging in sexual activities will not increase her popularity. Be responsive and make your teen feel comfortable by not judging, labeling, or accusing him of participating in the very activities he has questions about. Be straight with your teen, avoid being preachy.
- Encourage religion. Dean states that “highly religious teenagers appear to be doing much better in life than less religious teenagers.” She offers four resources in fostering religious behavior. First, a creed to believe. Worship, music, bible study, and seminary are oft stated tools that teenagers rely upon. Second, a place to belong. Belonging to a congregation and involving the family allow teenagers to connect to a group which will provide them with support for the wise decisions they desire to make. Third, a call to live out. Teenagers who have this do not see a division between Sunday and Monday; they look forward to youth leadership; or plan on serving a mission in the future. Fourth, a hope to build onto. This includes progress. Encourage your teenager in each of these areas by going to church with them. Your influence will guide them as they decide whether they want religion a part of their life.
- Be aware of your teen’s friends and their friends’ belief systems. Aside from parents, teens glean their values from their friends. Find out who their friends are and what their friends are doing. Invite your teen’s friends to your house to get to know them. Encourage extracurricular activities that will introduce your teenager to good friends. Pressure to be good is a lot easier to manage than pressure not to be bad.
Hart, C. H., Newell, L. D., & Frost, S. F. (2003). Parenting skills and social-communicative competence in childhood. In J. O. Greene & B. R. Burleson (Eds.), Handbook of communication and social interaction skills (pp. 753-797). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Smith, C. & Denton, M. (2005). Soul searching: The religious and spiritual lives of American teenagers. New York: Oxford University Press.
Written by Amber Turner, Research Assistant, and edited by Laura Padilla-Walker and Stephen F. Duncan, Professors in the School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
Adapted from the Website Forever Families